Fourth Foster Home Part 2. Freshmen in High School.

December 31, 2000 Age 15. Well, here I sit in my room on another New Year’s Eve.  I can’t believe the year is over so quickly.  I did it.  I survived another year.  No broken bones this time around either.  I sure did a lot this year.  I’m sorry, I can’t write at the moment.  Brain is clouded with memories.
                I’m back.  Well, Liz in the future mark this date down.  It’s the first New Year’s night that I don’t care if I stay up or not.  Harry Potter time.

January 4, 2001 Age 15.  There is a huge stinging pain in my left foot.  It started around my big toe and is now moving upwards throughout my foot. It hurts the most if I move my big toe.  Ohhh, it hurts so much.  I’m in social studies with Mr. Cardoni.  3 min till Math class. Gotta go.

January 5, 2001 Age 15. Ohhhhhhhh, I hate Chad.  He is such a dork.   He’s always teasing me. Chantelle thinks I like him. Uggg.  Chad has dark brown hair with blond highlights.  His eyes are dark brown in color and he’s a prep.  The only thing good about him is he is a class clown.
                I’m in first hour English right now. Can you believe how early this school starts?  7:30AM is too early.
                Oh my gosh this class I so immature.  Shawn just came into the classroom from the bathroom carrying a huge amount of toilet paper for his runny nose and he gave ½ of it to Chad.  Chad just stood up to turn off the light and he has some of the toilet paper tucked into his pocket and the rest of it is hanging down out of his pockets like a hula skirt.   Then Brent walked over to the door to sharpen his pencil and he accidentally knocked the phone off the wall and into the wastepaper basket.
                Here are my favorite quotes I learned from my German teacher Herr Pankratz and math teacher Mr. Sieg.
                –This is not the end; not the beginning of the end. But this is perhaps the end of the beginning.
                – Those who love deeply never grow old, they may die of old age, but they die young.
                – Older men declare war. But it is the youth that must fight and die.
                – Faith is what makes you feel the comfort of the hearth while you are chopping the fire wood.
                – One man with courage is a majority. –Thomas Jefferson.
                – There is more to life than sitting and wondering if there is more to life.
                -Love your enemy. It will drive him crazy!
                -Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be since you cannot make yourself as you wish.
                -Better keep yourself clean and bright.  You are the window through which you must see the world.
                -Just because a man died for it that does not make it true.
                -Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember, it did not work for the rabbit.
                – The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
                -If at first you don’t succeed Skydiving is not for you.
                -Forgive your enemies, remember their names.
                -Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.
                -It is hard for the modern generation to understand Thoreau, who lived beside a lake, but did not own water skies or a snorkel.

January 9, 2001 Age 15. I am writing to you from German Class.  I don’t understand anything he says. 
                Ohrfeige- to hit.
                I don’t know why I have so much trouble absorbing the information. I hear it but an hour later I forget it all.  Ugg. This pisses me off.
                Es geht mir gut.  I am goof.
                Es geht Gratle gut.  It goes Gratle good?
                I am going to log in German words, maybe I will be able to remember what I write in here.
                I was talking to this blind guy named Brent. He is so nice.  I gave him my phone number.  I think he likes me. I like him, but he’s.. he’s blind.  I always say I am not prejudice, but I can’t help it.  He is not exactly my night in shining armor, but I like him. I think I do.  I don’t know.

January 12, 2001 Age 15. Hitler was a heartless beast, but he was smart.  I hate him and what he did to all the Jews.  He made piles of dead bodies and bulldozed them.  That is he bulldozed those he didn’t burn and then use their ashes as soap.  I know I am only part Jewish but it still affects me like I’m full blood.  If I lived back then he would have killed me.

March 30, 2001 Age 15. Dear Diary. I have not taken time out to write to you in a long time because I have been so busy.  I need to write to you now because I need to tell someone what is going on.
                You know all about the abuse I suffered from my parents and my fear of men.  For much of my life I have lived in fear of men because I was afraid

May 10th, 2001 Age 16. Well talk about waiting a long time to finish speaking about what is on ones mind.  Well, let me try to finish what I was saying.   I have lived in fear of men because I was afraid of them turning against me.  I mean look what happened with my foster brother Mike.  We were great friends, and I trusted him, until I woke up that night to find him, God, I can’t even write about it.  It hurts.  I’ll try again.  I woke up to find his hand up my shirt.  I remember how frightened I was, but that wasn’t the first time, I went through the whole thing with my birth brother Dan and his interest in my body.  And my father stripping me down naked when he beat me.  There, that’s the first time I voiced that one.  No one knows about that.  One day I might be able to talk about everything.  I just get stuck, I can’t move or speak when I try.
                Off the subject.  It wasn’t just men.  I remember my mother making me strip in front of her and having to walk back and forth in front of her so she could make “sure you are not anorexic dear”.
                Remembering this stuff makes me feel so dirty.
                For years it took all of the power within me to work up the courage to hug women.  I pretended to be normal and had boyfriends, but I couldn’t stand them touching me. Just holding my hand made me want to scream out in pain.  I liked them. I had crushes on them. I knew I had to like being touched.  So I pretended and acted as if I enjoyed it but then after I went out with B in the beginning of my 8th grade year, and he started to touch me like that I couldn’t take it anymore.  I couldn’t stand men getting near me.   I gained 100lbs between last year and now.  Every time someone of the male sex got near me I had flash backs of him being my dad.   I went out with a boy named Paul at the beginning of the school year to again look normal, but every time he touched me or tried to kiss me I saw my dad before me, not him.
                For the rest of the school year I have been able to stay out of the way of the opposite sex until the end of February through April 9th.  I tried out for my high schools production of Cheaper by the Dozen.  I made it in.  I was excited.  I was cast with the role of mother of 12 kids.  I was ecstatic for the most part.  Until I read the play.  Throughout the play I had various scenes in which I had to get close to my husband Ian.            

                This did not only make me uncomfortable, but mad too.  For you see, two days before tryouts I had met Ian when I rode with him and his mother to Preble for our competition.  I tried to talk to him but he gave me one of those superior senior looks. He was all out rude to me.
                Then, on the day that we found out who had made it in and I read off the names of the other characters I wasn’t sure if Ian was the same Ian I had ridden with the other day. So, like the idiot I am, I walked up to him to ask him.  Here is how the conversation went.
                Me.  Hi, are you Ian?
                Ian: Yes.
                Me: Are you the father in the play?
                Ian: Yes.
                Me: Oh. I’m the mother.
                Ian: I know. Goodbye.

And just like that he walked away with one of those not only superior upperclassmen walks but also the walk of someone who considered himself of higher social standing than whoever they were with.  He totally and completely pissed me off.  It was hard enough for me to approach a male around the same height as my father while trying to show no sign of nervousness, and then he had to be such a jerk.
                From then on out I decided it was war between Ian and I.  I ignored him whenever he tried to talk to me.  Whenever I had any sort of conversation with him I would criticize anything he said.  In all I was a complete Bitch.
                Unfortunately keeping up the act was hard.  Every time I had to do the couch scene where I sat next to Ian I had to fight for control over my body and senses. It took all of me to sit on that couch instead of running away.
                To you I am sure this sounds stupid. It sounds stupid to me too.  But that is how it was for me.
                Then it happened.  I sat down in one of the chairs back stage when Paul came up to me. It turned out he had claimed this chair as his own, so when I refused to get up he grabbed me by the neck and pulled me up.
                At that moment Ian came back stage and pulled Paul off me. He told Paul that if he ever hurt me again he would beat him so hard he would never know what hit him. 
                From that moment on I saw Ian in a different light. On the last date that I wrote to you I was going to tell you this.  My feelings for Ian began to change.  I started to like being in the play with him and I wasn’t as nervous as I had been before.
                Then came another problem.  At the end of the play when Ian was leaving we were supposed to give each other a goodbye kiss.  Nothing big, just a peck.  Unfortunately, for me, that was BIG.
                Even though I was beginning to get comfortable with acting the part of being a loving wife whenever I stood next to Ian for various scenes I would suddenly see my father where Ian was. I again became frightened.  I was worried that if Ian kissed me in the play I might go into a flash back and usually when I go into flashbacks I strike out at anything in my way.  For example, earlier this year I accidentally punched Amanda because she grabbed my backpack from behind me and pulled.  What if I did that to Ian?
                Then on the night of March 29th as I sat up in bed dreading the next day something happened to me.  The idea of kissing Ian became less frightening.  For at least a week before this I had found myself having these strange sort of electric shocks run through my body every time he walked by.   When I last wrote I was going to tell you that I was going to let him kiss me.  But I did not. Because I had started liking me I decided I could not kiss some guy I liked.  If I did I would be putting my heart on the line, and he would never have even known how I felt.
                Not that the play is over I wish I had. I also miss the play.  I miss those scenes where I would sit close to him, and look into his reassuring eyes.  I had sort of told him part of why I was uncomfortable around men so he said he would make things easier for me.  It’s why we did not have to kiss.
                Now that the play is over I feel a loss inside.  But the loss, strangely enough, in not for Ian but for another senior named Brian.    I will tell you about him next but I must tell you this. When I went to Senior Ball, and I saw Ian with his girlfriend I had this strange sense of jealousy.  This scares me.  I don’t want to be some creepy jealous girl.  I have to go to a band concert now.  I’ll tell you about Brian tomorrow.
                Go figure, I brought you to my band concert because we are not on for ½ an hour.  Brian’s here.  I have to tell you the story of him, Anna, Amanda, Ashley, and Sandeep before I can stop writing in here for months on end again.  I’ll get back to you later. Laura wants to talk to me.

The 3 plays I was in freshman year of High School. This year was the last year I ever acted.

May 11th, 2001 Age 16.  Its times like this I wish I were dead.  We ran a mile in gym, and my knee continued to give out.
                I hate my parents but I also hate myself. If I had just stayed out of their way they never would have beat me so hard.  It is as much my fault as theirs.
                I hate Dolores.  I called her to see if I could go home and she said no.  She said I did it to myself.  Sure I did. I wanted to run a mile in gym and hurt myself.  I made the school rule that said without a parent’s permission slip you must participate in all school activities or else be docked a whole grade mark.  Yep, she is right, I did it to myself.
                My left knee is hurting more than my right because it is constantly grinding.  Yet I can’t make it better by putting my weight on my right leg because it seems to have no muscle power and continues to give out.
                So as a result I put all of my weight on my left leg which results in stabbing pain, rather than put all of my weight on my right leg and end up on the floor.
                Well enough of that. If I remember correctly the last four-years-worth of diaries are filled with my ache’s and pains that my knees, joints, neck, back, and head give me.  Not to mention my emotional pain, but that is what you are here for. To tell about my various emotions.  That way I can get them out in the open.
                I am in band class at the moment.  Now that the concert is over for the next 3 weeks until summer this class has now become a study hall.  There 30 minutes left for me to continue what I started telling you about.
                The first time I saw Brian was when I went to see my high school’s production of Fiddler on the Roof.  Brian played the main role of Tevya.  I was completely amazed at how well Brian portrayed the part.  He fit the role exactly.
                A week later our school was selling the results of the Data Match sheet that we filled out at the beginning of the year.  When I saw Brains name at the top I had no idea who he was, but Sam soon set me straight.  She told me he was the guy from Fiddler on the Roof.  I instantly knew who he was and was amazed that I was 65% compatible with a guy, who from what I had heard, was completely different from me.
                The, I, being the daring person that I can sometimes be worked up my courage and stupidly introduced myself to him.  It went like this.
                Me:  HI, are you Brian? (I could not pronounce it).
                Brian: Yes.
                Me: My names Liz.  You were on my Data match so I wanted to introduce myself to you.
                Brian: Well it’s nice to meet you.  What grade?
                Me:  I have to go, bye.
                That was my introduction to Brian and then I completely forgot he existed until I tried out for Cheaper By the Dozen and I watched Brian try out for the role of the male cheerleader Joe Scales.
                He was hilarious.  I had never seen anyone like him before.  And the character he portrayed was completely different than the one he played in Fiddler on the Roof. Well surprise surprise Brian made the play with the role of Joe Scales.
                For the most part the of the practices the play was almost a living hell for me, as I explained yesterday in the section about Ian, but whenever Brian was on stage I felt my spirits lift as I watched him perform. 
                During the play I began going to a support group for kids with alcoholic parents.  There I met two new girls and was surprised to find Beth was in my group. (I will tell you about her later). While we were talking about people we go to for support Beth mentioned Brian’s name.  It turns out Brian and her had gone out for a while and when he learned about her home life and drug addiction he did not leave her.  He stuck by her even though he did not understand a lot of her problems because he came from a sheltered home.
                When Beth talked about him I found myself questioning my philosophy about men.  Maybe they are not all dangerous liars.
                During the production nights of the play Brian tried to give me a hug but I backed away.  He asked me if I was afraid of him and I replied saying it wasn’t him I was afraid of, but rather what he represented.  And somehow he seemed to understand because he did not give me that “you are weird” look. So instead he taught me this strange handshake where only your fingers touch as you move them.
                On May 5th (Saturday) I went to senior ball with the blind senior named Brent.  For the most part, while I was there, I had fun.  I saw Ian there and he even helped me teach Brent how to dance.
                Throughout the dance I found my eyes continually searching for Brian and Ian.  I could not help it.  I found myself wishing I was hanging out with them instead of dancing with Brent and the rest of my friends who were sophomores and juniors who had been invited.  It did not help that Brent kept calling me his girlfriend.  I am not his girlfriend and I told him that when he asked me to go.  
                Then it came time for slow dancing.  I could not stand it  Brent kept pulling me closer and closer to him.  He would try to rest his head on my shoulder and I couldn’t stand it.  I put up with the slow dances for ¾ of the night but I finally couldn’t take it.  I sat Brent down with Greta and then went to find Beth to get a cigarette.
                Beth went to get me one while I sat down by Brian. Brain instantly took an interest in me and tried to make me feel better.   Here’s what happened.
                Brian: What’s wrong?
                Me. Do you remember why I wouldn’t let you touch me at the play.  I told you I had a bad experience.
                Brian: Yes.
                Me: That’s why.
                Brian: Is there anything I can do?
                Me: No. I just have to calm my nerves.
Brian was about to say something else but Beth showed up.  She gave me a cigarette which I went off and smoked half of in the bathroom. 
                I felt guilty the whole time I smoked it.  I felt like I was betraying all of those people who tried to help me.
                On Wednesday after school this week I tried out for the Southwest Pop’s concert.  I was in the band room when Brian came back and talked to me.
                I talked to him about various issues.  He asked me if I had male friends in the past.  I said Sammys name and then I lied and said Sammy killed himself because I did not want to feel the pain that comes when I talk about him.   I told Brian about my parent’s divorce and how I thought it was my fault.  He was so kind.  It was weird.  When I tell people about my past they either cry, or get awkward, or look scared.  When I talked to him I felt like spilling out my whole life story. I did not want him to leave.  When I looked into his eyes I felt this feeling of contentment and security, yet this feeling of mystery and I don’t know what towards him.  I feel like he has pain somewhere too.  I don’t know. Maybe I just want him to understand.
                When I told him I would be doing storytelling for my tryout he told me his father was a professional storyteller.
                I hate it.  I am falling in love with two men, and neither of them would ever consider me girlfriend material because I am an ugly fat slob.
                Oh well.  I have always been different.  Besides. I hated men before I met them, I can do it again.
                Oh God. Help me.
Oh yah.  I won 2nd place as State for Storytelling in Forensics.

Whew.  That was the easiest Math test I ever took.  At the end of this hour I find out if I made it into the Pop’s Concert or not.  Wish me luck.  Well that’s dumb. As if you could.  I’m nervous though.  If I don’t get in I’ll feel crushed.  But if I do it will be hard for me to get up in front of my peers and story tell. Acting is one thing. Storytelling is another.
                I hope I make it through.  When I’m on stage is when I feel most alive.  I feel so much power on stage.  Like everything is in my control.  Everyone is hanging on my every word and what I say, and how I say it determines whether or not the audience leaves laughing, crying, or in compete boredom.  I love that power. It’s the only thing in life I have control over.
                I hope I make it.

May 16th, 2001 Age 16 Learn From yesterday; Live for today, hope for tomorrow. – Unknown
                This quote fits my life so well.  I did not make it into the Pops Concert because only two people with skits tried out and the teacher organizing the whole thing thought it would be dumb to have only 2 skits and 16 musical acts. 
                Oh well, there is always next year.  Mr. Cardoni is back today.  His father had a heart attack during the weekend.
                Ironically my foster grandmother’s heart valve shut down the same day.  She is now confined to bed for a week but she will be alright.
                I can’t stand this anymore. We had free time during band today so I went into the back room connecting the band and choir sections to play on the computer key board when Ian came back there.  I smiled stupidly at him and said hi.  Immediately a smile came over his face and he said hello back then walked on.  His smile looked so happy and genuine, yet I use the same smile all the time on people in passing, whether I like them or not.
                Why do my feelings torture me so?  This is not fair.
                Yesterday we had free time in band class and in the last 10 minutes Brian came back there. I had a stolen tennis ball from the school so I gave it to Brian and we began bouncing it back and forth to each other.  I love him so much.  But I couldn’t let him know that so I said something dumb about how he and Beth should go back out because they were a perfect couple.
                Aggggg. I have to go.  Love peace and chicken grease.

May 17th, 2001 Age 16. I wonder if I would be considered a stalker.  There are certain hallways Ian is in everyday so I, the giddy girl that I am, somehow makes sure I am always in those hallways at those times so that I can walk past him.  I hope that doesn’t make me a stalker.  I just like seeing him because it makes my spirits lift.  He is the first person to ever stop someone else from hurting me.  He is kinda like a knight in shining armor, but he’s not really knight like.                 Here are my favorite quotes from this week.
                –Life consists not in holding good cards, but in playing those you do hold well.
                – Listen to the song in another’s heart and sing it to them when they forget.
                – Life is not how long you live, but how you make the journey.
                – Use what talents you possess; the woods would be silent if no birds sang there, except for those who sang the best.
                – Ende gut, alles gut.  Ends good, all is good.  Alls well that ends well.
                -Sometimes it seems people hear best what we do not say.

May 21th, 2001 Age 16. Well lucky me, while the rest of the class is working on researching their informative speech for their English Final I just sit around.  I’m using my 7th grade Titanic Speech.
                Well I just bombed my science test.  I thought I was prepared for it but I wasn’t.  I don’t know why I am so stupid.  I had hours to study yesterday but instead I chose to waste my time working on my picture books and watching X-Files. 
                By the way, Scully had her baby. The aliens didn’t take it.  Plus in the end of the episode Scully and Molder finally kissed. All I can say is it was about time.
                I completely made my team lose against the sophomore girls in second period.  I totally suck.  I am never any good at sports.  I try my hardest but I never improve.
                Ronny called me from Bagley yesterday.  According to her Daisy is 4 months pregnant and married and Sharonl is 6 months pregnant.  At first I was happy for the news that two of the girls that made my life at school a living hell were now suffering themselves, but now I feel guilty.  Daisy is only one month older than me.  If she is married now she will never have a normal life. She’ll end up divorced at the age of 18.  And as for both of them they will never go anywhere in life.  They’ll be stuck at home taking care of their babies.  I don’t know.  It’s sad.
                –It is equally an error to trust everyone as it is to trust no one.
                – In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life. It goes on.
                – An egotist is a person whose I’s are too close together.
                – Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
                – The best Career Advice: Find out what you like doing best, then find someone who will pay you to do it.
                – Always be a first rate version of yourself.  Not a second rate version of someone else.
                -Man is the only creature who refuses to be what he is.
                – Do more than exist—Live. Do more than touch—Feel.  Do more than look—Observe.  Do more than hear—Listen. Do more than listen – Understand. Do more than talk—Say Something.
                -Pain is temporary. Pride is forever.
                -If I have seen farther than others, it is because I have stood on the shoulders of Giants.

May 30th, 2001 Age 16. Dear Diary, The seniors last day is tomorrow.  I even got Ian to sign my yearbook today.  What he wrote was so sweet.  Yet that didn’t mean as much to me as Brian signing it.  I wrote a letter to Brian, Beth, and Ian on Monday and gave it to them on Tuesday.  I also gave Beth and Brian a copy of the statement of faith I wrote for Church.  Today Brian gave me a poem that he said I had inspired him to write.  He was so kind.  And he winked at me.  I love him so much and he is leaving tomorrow.  I feel as if my heart will rip in two. Here is what he wrote.
                God is not in the sea,
                                but in the water
                playing with the dolphins.
                               God is not underneath,
                                but in the dirt
                burrowing with the worms.
                               God is not among lands,
                                but in the mud
                wallowing with the pigs.
                               God is not in the forests,
                                but in the trees
                howling with the monkeys.
                               God is not in the sky,
                                but in the wind
                making music with the birds.
                               God is not in heaven
                                but on earth
                loving with the humans.

June 3rd, 2001 Age 16.  Dear Diary, much has happened this last week.  I never thought I would become friends with so many males.
                On Thursday there was a meet after school for the Musical next year.  Thursday was also the day the seniors left.  During 5th hour band class I found Brian in the back room connecting the choir and band rooms.  I gave him my W.W.J.D bracelet that I always wear.  I also gave him my blue stone cross.  Those were my lucky charms.  I thought I would never see him again.
                When band was over I went to talk to Jim. He is the leader of the kids of alcoholic parents group.  He wont be coming back next year either.  The whole time we were talking all I could think about was that Brian was on his way to St. Norberts for his college classes.
                On the way to the eighth hour I had just come up the stairs and was heading down the hallway to social class when Katie and Ashley appeared in front of me standing next to each other. I hugged Katie and said “he’s gone” when suddenly Brian walked out from behind them and said hi to me and headed for the stairs.  For a second I watched him walk away and then I took off after him. I didn’t care if anyone thought I was a freak anymore.  I hadn’t hugged him goodbye after band because Sam was busy crying on him begging him to write her.
                I grabbed him by his shoulders.  He was on the 2nd step and I was on the top.  Without saying anything I wrapped my arms around him. Then I asked him why he was still here. He said he was staying till the end of the day.  I told him about the Drama Club meet after school.  I asked him if he would like to be there. He said he might.  He said he would only be there till 3:15PM though.  And I was stuck With Mick (my friend) in the office till 3:30.
                I was sitting in the auditorium signing yearbooks and listening to Mrs. Novack when suddenly Brian was there at my side.  I asked him what he was doing there and he said I told him to meet me.  Then after talking I had him give me his address. But because my yearbook and playbook were all being signed the only thing I could find for him to sign was you.  My diary.  So I had him sign under his poem.
                The next day was Friday. I was supposed to work at the Weidner but Sam asked me if I would go to graduation with her.  I liked that idea.
                When I was there I almost cried when Ian, Beth, Taylor, Brian, Mike, Brent and some of my other friends graduated.   When the ceremony was over I took pictures of Ian, taylor, tricia, brian, and anna.  I gave Brian a copy of my I Shall Not Hide Poem I wrote last year.
                I hugged Brian good bye and left with Valerie.
                Yesterday I went to Robert’s graduation party with Andria.  We swam outside in the pool in 40 degrees.  It was cold.  That night Robert and I went to see The Mummy Returns. It was a good movie.
                Anyways.  Today Sam called and wondered if I would go to a movie with her.  Somehow we got Brian mixed up in our plans but because he did not get home in time we did not go.
                Tonight at 7:55PM he called me and we talked for ½ an hour about college, life, philosophy, me, and him. He kept saying I was a bright girl who was very mature for my age.  I am only two years younger than him. 
                 I don’t care though.  He said he wanted to see more of me and we should go to a movie or a coffee house sometime.  Then before we hung up, because he had to go, he said something about everyone having their own shadows to fight and deal with in life. I asked him what his shadows were and he said “Now I will save that for another time, that leaves a little hook to make sure we talk again to finish our conversation.”
                Oh I love him so much.  Why did he have to graduate? Why does he have to leave for Boston next year?  Why does he have to be 18?  I hate it. I’ll be 18 when I’m a junior.  I’ll graduate when I’m 19.  And you’ll never guess what else about Brian.  He wants to be a priest.  A Catholic one.  They never marry.  Oh, well I’m glad he is so close to God.  I wish God would make it out in a way that Brian and I could end up together. 
                When I was in the car with Robert yesterday I kept imagining Brian in his place.  Talking to be about intellectual things, not cars and sports and gossip.  I want someone to talk about religion with. 
                Maybe I can get him to go to Church with me next Sunday.  It’s a possibility.
                Wish me luck in life.
                And do you know what?  Now that Ian is gone I don’t feel anything, but when I thought Brian was gone I felt lost.
                Curse these childish emotions!!!!  I know nothing will ever happen between us.  At least he is my friend and I am not alone anymore.
                Oh yeah.  By the way.  I told Brian I would not hound him with phone calls and he said he would not mind if I did.   Well….we will see about that.

June 4th, 2001 Age 16.  Why do I always have to get so involved and worry about things?  All last week Mick kept telling me that Brian was a player and he liked to use girls.  I kept telling him he was wrong, but think about it.  Why would Brian want to go to a movie with me?  An ugly 178lb freak?  Why would he even want to be associated with me?
                I think I have finally found the brothers I always wanted.  At lunch when I told Sam and Mick about Brian they began threatening me.  They said if I go anywhere with him I have to bring someone else along because they don’t want to spend the money on a spy camera, explosives, killer bees, and the cage to protect me.
                Mick seems overly worried about this whole thing.  I asked him why and he said it was because he was my friend and cared about what happened to me.  I always wanted a real brother and now I have two of them.  Only 3 days of school left after today.  Why couldn’t I have realized this sooner.   Oh well.  Sam and I spent all band class sitting in one of the practice rooms talking about life experiences.  Sam’s stepmom was beaten to death in October and she witnessed it.  Life sucks. 

June 6th, 2001 Age 16.  I just finished my science exam.  I know I bombed the math portion.  In English our final exam was an informative speech and I have laryngitis.
                I got an A on my English exam anyways and a B on my gym exam.
                Last night I talked to Brian for a while.  We are going to see Shrek in the theater on Sunday, if Dolores does not change her mind.  She wants me home by ten, but the movie starts at 7:30PM and I told Brian my curfew was midnight on weekends because I forgot about our Unity Club trip to Great America on Monday.  
                Brian said something yesterday that I had heard somewhere else.  We were talking about hate and love and I said something about hate slowly eating us apart.  And he went through this whole inspirational speech about how we can only hate that which we have once loved.  And the worst emotion of all is indifference.  For in order not to care you must not feel love or feelings towards something.  That makes you empty inside. For love is the ultimate emotion. 
                I love him. He is so smart.  I talked to Sam last night and she described her step-mothers murder to me that happened in October this year.  She blames herself.  She was in the next room but did not do anything when she heard him scream.  I tried to comfort her but I could barely make a noise above a hoarse whisper.

Current, 2020, me has to interject here. A year later I would learn that Sam was a pathological liar. Her step mom was never murdered. She would also tell me her uncle raped her. He didnt.

                She wants me to tell Brian everything for her, but I don’t want him to see me as a gossip. 
                Again, yesterday on the phone I said I wouldn’t call him too much because I did not want to hound him, but again he said he didn’t mind.  He said he liked talking to me.
                The last day of school is tomorrow.  I failed school. I know I did.  Next year 1st semester I’m getting  3.5.  Second semester I’m getting a 4.0. Just wait and see.
                Yesterday Mick and Sam were threatening to follow me and Brian to the theater.  Mick said if Brian touched me he would stab a butcher knife through his head.
                Gotta go.

June 7th, 2001 Age 16.  Well, it’s the last day of school.  I just finished my German Final.  I know I failed.  I also know I failed my social and math test today. Oh well.
                I talked to Brian last night from 10:10 to 10:40. I told him Sam’s story.  I felt so dumb.  Then we talked about our coin collections. 
                Weird, yet wasn’t bored.  I think he does not like me. He always hangs up first.  I have laryngitis.  It is hard for anyone to hear a word I say.  I carry a notebook with me everywhere.  I’m even learning sign language.  My voice goes if I talk for more than a few minutes.
                I can’t believe summer is starting already.  When I walk out of this room at 3:00PM I’ll be a 10th grader.
                I’m so old.
                Mick is definitely jealous of Brian.  He gets in a big huff whenever I say I’m doing anything with him.  So much for a brother. I’m going to read now.

June 12th, 2001 Age 16. Well a lot has happened since I last wrote to you. 
                On Friday June 8th I went with Robert to Bay Fest. He kept trying to hold my hand. When we sat down to watch the fireworks he kept trying to lay on my lap so I decided to play a game to keep him off of me.  We played tug-o-war with a T shirt he won.  We played Mercy and Bloody Knuckles.   But that all turned out to be a bad idea because to try to make me lose he tickled me.  I told him to stop and tried to hold him off but he was too strong.  He grabbed both of my wrists in his one hand and held them as he went after me with his other hand. 
                Luckily (haha) I had been in this situation before.  I automatically pulled back so he came towards me, at the same time I was able to throw my legs up (we were sitting on the ground) so that my feet were on his chest and the other a few inches above his !#?#, you know.   Anyway he threatened me.  He said if I kicked him there I would be sorry.  I didn’t care.  I had heard threats before.  I told him to back off or I would kick his ass.  But he didn’t listen to me.  He laughed.  Then he said, “you couldn’t do that. You have finally met your match Liz. You couldn’t kick my ass if you wanted to.”
Gotta go.

June 24th, 2001 Age 16.  Dear Diary, I’ve only been back a little over 24 hours and my life has began to represent itself.
                I was talking to Sam from 7-8. She was very depressed and continued to talk about killing herself and self-mutilation.  When I had to go eat I asked her if she would be alright. Here’s what she said:
Sam: I’ll be fine. I won’t kill myself. Wait. I take that back.
Me: Which part do you take back?
Sam: What I just said.
Me. Which one you said.
Sam: Gotta go. Call me bye.
                She hung up.  I decided all she wanted was attention and hung up.  But an hour later, after watching the X-Files, I called her back and no one answered. I did not know what else to do so I called the operator who connected me to the suicide hotline, who connected me to the Green Bay Police, who went to Sam’s.  
                They called me to tell me she was fine and they might call me back.  I heard her in the background yelling “what have I done!”  I have made a mountain our of a mole hill.   Tell you more tomorrow.

August 2nd, 2001 Age 16.  Grandma (Dolores’s mom) is dead.  She died at 7:30 today.  We are at a hotel in Illinois.   My friend Greta and sister Sam are here for our Great America Trip.
We go back tomorrow.  I feel speechless.  She is the only member of Dolores’s the family that talks to me and listens to me. She is more my mother than Dolores is.
Dolores continues to hate everything about me. She was mad when I made her her Christmas presents. She said that good people only buy presents for others. She says I have the manners of a redneck, that I am not as pretty as my sister, and that I am not what she wanted in a child.
Grandma always tells me to ignore Dolores and give her time. Grandma tells me I am her grandchild and she treats me like family. She and I play scrabble together every week.

August 9th, 2001 Age 16.  Dear Diary, Today has been one of the best days (as far as guys are concerned) of my life.  But this whole summer has basically been that way.  I have had guys hitting on me at all three camps. The Triennium in Purdue Indiana was the best because I was hit on by guys all over the USA and guys from Canada.
                The Canadians I met adopted me and knighted me an official Canadian.  I am not an Amadian. I spent most of my time with them because I do not like the people from my church youth group.  They are very sheltered people and sometimes I think they do not see how the world really is.
                Anyway, I called Brian yesterday and asked him if he was free anytime this week.  He said he was Thursday (today).  Then he told me something I will never forget.  He said this
Brian: Well I went farther with a guy last week then I ever did with a girl.
Me: What!
Brian: I kissed him.
Me: What!!
Anyway he told me everything he did and convinced me that he was not gay and hung up.  Today my sister Sam, Brian, and I met up at the Bus stop.   I didn’t recognize him at first.  He was wearing a black shirt and his dagger/cross necklace. He looked so masculine.  He did not look feminine at all anymore.
                Anyway, he did not recognize me at first either because I had lost so much weight.   We finally realized who each other were and got on the bus and went to Perkins. On the bus on the way over we got into the strangest conversations.   Like how masturbation is illegal in WI.  We were trying to figure out how they could enforce that law.
                We had so much fun the whole time.  At Perkins Brian told us he used to be a scrapper or, in laymen’s terms, a bully. He brought this up because he took the check before I could see what I owed.  He wouldn’t let me pay my part.
                So we played a game of rock paper scissors.  I won the first round, he won the second and then the third because I did not think he would do rock all three times.
                He even paid the tip too.  Jerk.
                We talked about a lot of things.  I made fun of Brian’s height and he told me that didn’t bug him because short guys perform better.
                He seemed kind of regretful that he said that and I saw that as a chance to make him blush so I asked him how that was true.  He stuttered and then told me that what he wanted to say was inappropriate, especially in front of my sister.  I told him neither of us gave a damn and so he said “well I’ll show you.”
                I just told Dolorws this story and she said Brian is already beginning to suffer from Short Man Syndrome.  She said that guys begin to get all high and mighty about themselves.  They get jobs as doctors and lawyers to compensate.  
                Anyway, then we began to talk about checking people out.  He said that a gentleman will look you in the eye, and then blink. Supposedly, or at least when he does it in the short time it takes them to blink they check you out.   He showed me how it’s done. The thing is…he’s done that to me before.
                Then we got off that bus and got on the bus to go home.  I was surprised when on the bus I found Cory, the guy who was the Fire Truck in the Velveteen Rabbit play I was in at the Next Door Theater.  He was on the bus with two of his Goth friends.   Sam loved them.
                When we got back I changed and got ready for work.  I went over to grandpas to get Dolores.  They were going through grandma’s stuff.
                Dolores dropped me off at work at 5PM.   When we got there I found out Drew was working till closing too.  During the night he kept saying dumb pick-up lines to me.  At one point during the night I cut my finger and Drew said, in front of 3 other people, “come into the office and I’ll bandage it up for you.”  The first aid kit was on the other side of the kitchen area. 
                Half way through the night everyone knew we were going out.  Drew followed me down the short hall to the office because he was going to hit my ass with the towel.  I turned around and just as he was going to, and there at the end of the hall stood all the other employees watching us.  We burst out laughing.
                Then, suddenly, Drew said in a serious voice “we have to talk.”
                We went out to do tables and we talked about everyone knowing our business. Then she said “stay out here and act furious”.  Then he dipped his fingers in the bucket of water and put drops next to his eyes.  He walked into the kitchen pretending to cry and everyone became serious and worried about him.  They tried to comfort him and he burst out laughing.
                At the end of the night Drew offered to take me home.  I called Dolores and she said she did not want me riding with strangers.  Finally she said I could ride home with Drew and the other people I made up as long as I called her before I left.  So I called her at 10:50 when we got done and told her I would be done in 10 to 20 minutes and we had to drop other people off.
                So Drew and I left Zestys and took detours around Allouez for 15 min.  Finally we went and parked at the Doty Elementary parking lot.  We were there less than 5 min when a police car pulled up. She wanted to know who we were and what we were doing there.  I started to freak out but Drew said it would be ok.
                After sitting there for 10 min while the police woman did a backup check she finally let us go.
                Once we left the parking lot we broke out laughing.  I had been so nervous.  Drew dropped me off at home and was going to see if I was busy at all tomorrow.  Since the computer is broken we can’t talk online.  He has to try to find my number.  If he can’t find it in the phone book he will drop by.
                I love this.  I don’t love him or anything, but tonight was so much fun.  I love growing up.
P.S. Pearl Harbor is the best movie.

August 22nd, 2001 Age 16. Dear Diary, It is perfectly obvious that I am a hormone driven teenager who has not reached maturity in the area of relationships.
                On Friday the 24th, my best friend Mick and I went to see the movies.  We went to see Curse of the Jade Scorpian and Mick planned to sneek into Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.  I paid for myself for both movies though.  I wasn’t going to worry about getting caught.
                Well anyway, the last time I wrote to you I told you about Drew.  Well after that, the next time I saw him people at work had found out about us so he told me we should pretend to just be friends so that people would stop watching us every time we got close.   But then, shortly after that we just stopped hanging out altogether. Our friendship seemed to be gone too.  I felt like I had been shut out into the cold with no source of warmth.
                So when Mick and I were waiting for the first movie to start I told him I had broken up with Drew to save face. I believed that the relationship had ended already but I wasn’t going to tell him that. Mick has listened to me talk about all my crushes for a whole year and I did not want him to think I only like him as a friend because he listens. 
                After kiss of the Jade Scorpion was over we had a hour before our other movie started so we snuck into American Pie II.  When American Pie ended we headed towards our other movie when we noticed someone was taking tickets at the door.  So Mick (after borrowing 3 dollars from me) had to walk out of the building and then come back in through the front door to buy his ticket.  While I was waiting for Mick I went over to the food stand where Ben works and began to chat with him. 
                Ben is a guy who I knew from the Two Next Door Theater productions I was in last year.  I had seen him 2 weeks earlier when my sister was still here and I had given him my number.  He called me when I was at work and I called him when he was at work so I basically gave up on him.   When I started to talk to him he brought up the fact that I hadn’t called him.  I told him I had but he wasn’t there.  Then we began talking and I said “Well there was no reason for me to call you.  It’s not like you were going to ask me out or anything.”  Then he said “how do you know.”
                We talked for like 5 minutes when I remembered Mick.  So I had to go look for him.  When I found him he was already in the theater sitting down.  I went back and told Ben where we were sitting so that when he finished his shift he could come and sit with us.
                At 10:30 he came and sat with us.  Then, when the movie was over, I hugged him good bye.  For some reason Mick could not get away from him fast enough?  Yet he seemed to like Ben when they shook hands.  Or did he?
                Anyways, the next day, Saturday, I hung out with Ben at the Art fest down town.  We also painted faces of kids at the fair from 1:45 to 2:30.  We were supposed to pain faces till 4:00 but it began to rain.
                That night at work I told Sam and Abbie about Ben and the fact that we were supposed to spend Sunday together within earshot of Drew.  He began to question me about Ben and asked if Ben was a jock.  I told him Ben played baseball and used to play football.  Drew was disappointed at first but an hour later when my friend Alison came by he hit on her.
                The next day Ben picked me up at 12:30 and we went to his house.  For a while we just walked around his house looking at his baby pictures and stuff.  Then we went up stairs and picked out the move 10 Things I Hate About You.  His parents left to go somewhere and they left his sister in charge but she left to go jogging.
                Ben and I began playing games like thumb war and Mercy.  At first it was easy.  He was letting me win and I know it.  Then suddenly he got out of his chair and got on his knees in front of me.  This time as we played he ended up forcing me down onto my back and before I knew it he was on top of me.  He looked down into my eyes and not knowing what to do I called “rematch.”
                The same thing happened again. So I , not knowing how to react I decided to try to change the game.  But not knowing what to play Ben brought up ball and tackling.  So we decided to play a game in which we tried to knock the other person to the ground. There just happened to be a bed in the basement that was set up.  His sister was taking it to college with her. He said we should play the game on it so that way we wouldn’t get hurt if we got knocked to the floor.
                For 5 rounds in a row I won and I knew that he was letting me win so I told him to stop it.  Well 3 times after that I ended up on my back with him on top of me on the bed again.  On the 3rd time we were both laughing and then he looked into my eyes and we stopped laughing. Then he slowly lowered his head and kissed me.  Then he deepened the kiss. Then we moved onto the floor.  He continued to kiss me.  After a while he put me on top but I did not know what to do.  I had never made out lying down before.
                My hair continued to get in the way.  Then after a while Ben got on his knees and continued to kiss me.  But he continued to grab my had and move it lover and lower down his torso.  Suddenly I felt his penis through his shorts and I pulled my hand away but he grabbed it and put it back there.  I felt uncomfortable but did not know how to voice it so I just left my hand there.   Then, after what felt like an eternity, he grabbed my hand again and I could feel him trying to shove my hand down his pants.  I wasn’t ready for this so I shook my head.  I thought he got the hint because he finally let go of my hand (left hand) and his attention went back to kissing me.  Then he put his hand up my shirt and placed it on my left breast over my bra.  He kept moving his fingers caressingly there. Then, suddenly, his sister came home and he got off me and we scrambled back to the chairs in front of the TV.
                I caught the last 5 minutes of the movie.   Then, when the movie was over, we went to Best Buy to get a CD.  On the way back we ended up racing this other car.  There was a girl in the passengers seat of that car, about my age, who, like me, was trying to tell her driver (a guy) to stop.  We ended up going 70MPH in a 35MPH zone.
                When we got back I went in and changed for work.
                When Ben drove me to work I finally worked up the gut to ask him if he still wanted to go out with me because I was less experienced than him and did not want to be more experienced.  He told me that he was not experienced either. Then he said I had a jerky head.  I asked him what he meant and he said every time he tried to do something I would jerk my head.  At first I did not know what he meant but then I realized he meant the part where he tried to shove my hand down his pants and I shook my head no.
                For the first 3 hours of work I felt happy and could not think straight.  Then at 9:30PM Greta came in with some of her friends and I wanted to tell her everything.
                I don’t know. I felt happy and yet I have this warning bell going on in my head telling me that Ben moves too fast and this would be a bad relationship.
                Anyways, Greta had this friend Joe she brought with her. He was so cute.  We began talking and I suddenly found that Greta had left up and we were by ourselves talking.  I gave him my number and and Abby and Sam, who were working with me, let out a gasp when I did this.  When I asked them what was wrong they reminded me about Ben. I had told them almost everything that we had done together.  Is it bad of me to want to be friends with boys if I am kinda seeing one?  I had forgotten I might need to ask him if it was okay.  Does that show immaturity or what?
                Then, last night, talked to Joe on the phone from 11PM to 3:19 AM.  He is a 19 year old college drop out who works at Office Max and is making a movie.  He is in love with Greta.
                Well anyway, when I woke up this morning Ben called and said we could not go out because he did not have the car.
                I had a staff meeting at Zesty’s and Drew asked me how Sunday went.  Of course I couldn’t tell him.  And I felt guilty.  And I still like him. More than Ben.  I have gone farther with Ben, than with any guy and I don’t like it.
                On the way back from Zesty’s a guy whistled at me and another Mexican dude slowed down and blew a kiss at me.  I ran into Jackie and we stopped to talk.  We started talking about guys and fooling around with them.  It was a great conversation.  I always saw her as this big prep but she is not.
                She told me about how she would make out with a guy at camp and not have any real feelings for him. It was just for fun.  Then she told me how annoying it was when that guy tried to keep in contact with her afterwards.
                And I agreed with her. All of the guys I did stuff with this summer I did stuff with for the fun of it.  That was it.  I really had no intentions of love.  That is not wrong, is it?
                Besides, lately I have lost all hope and belief in love.  Look at all of the relationships in the world, all of the divorces.  And look at the relationships between parents and their children.  Parents, lovers, all say they love their children and lover unconditionally. But that is a load of crud. There is no such thing as unconditional love.  Everyone has a breaking point as far as their relationships go.
                If a child kills their father their mother loses their love for their child.  See there was a condition.  If a lover is unable to please their love they break up.  That would be a condition.
                What is love anyway?  Adults say youth cannot know what love is, but when you look at all the divorces it is obvious grownups do not know what love is either.  Sometimes I think kids can love more than adults do.  Adults are more selfish than kids.  Love cannot be selfish.   Adults judge love by the same things we do.  Our body and its feelings.  In other words, what people say is love is nothing more than lust.  The only relationships that work are the ones that are friendship based.   Minds. The coupling of minds.  Thoughts feelings. When it changes to sex stuff it is all over. 
                I don’t know anymore.  I am not allowed to talk to Sam anymore.  My BIRTH MOTHER said that I may no longer see her.  Sam is living with Dad now but because of joint custody he must go along with her wishes.  She wont even be able to go to Disney with me.  It is all because Dolores stood up to my mom this summer when my mom said mean things about Dolores’s mom after she died.
                I’m nervous. School starts the day after tomorrow.  I have lost 35 lbs since then.  I don’t look the same. I can’t even recognize myself.  I’ve changed.  I have longer hair, I’m thinner, I look older, and I am no longer afraid of men. 
                I hate/love school.  I feel so out of place there.  I am either too shy to talk to people for fear of making an ass out of myself or I try to act self-assured and end up looking like a loud annoying ass.
                I hate walking down the hallway. Having to pass people who judge me just because I don’t dress up to their standard.
                Mick is moving on Friday.  He is moving to a place a few blocks away from Southwest.  I am losing my boy next door.  I’ll miss him.  But life goes on.
                I hate that saying. 
                Brian is gone.  I never got to say good bye.  The last time I talked to him is when we went to Perkins to eat.
                I miss my sister.  I miss myself.  I wish I knew where I have gone to.  I am not the same person I used to be.  I lost something, a part of me this summer, and I have no idea how to get it back.  I’m losing my individuality. I am stronger, less afraid, but I feel like I lost myself with my fears.  Dear Lord, please guide me and help me to do well in school.  Help me to love myself.
                Well I am closing the cover of this book.  It is now time to start again. I am a different person than I was when I got this diary. Now I can start a new. A new person with a new journal, and many new experiences ahead.  Wish me luck.

Eowyn (Liz)

Published by lifefromtheashes5332

Hi, I’m Elizabeth. I am a wife, mother, gardener, adjunct professor, philosopher, former foster child, former homeless adult and Master in Social Work. My website covers all the things listed above!

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