For those of you following this blog for the diary entries from my time in foster care, there are more coming. It takes a while to type them up. This is an old Facebook rant.
My view on Love and Relationships
I would like to start off by saying that this is not a bash fest against those who inspired this note writing. I actually have no hard feelings against you, and understand your reasoning and thoughts. Our conversation just led me to these thoughts.
The idea of finding a soul mate or perfect match is a relatively new practiced idea in our society. In years before this matches were made for social advantage as well as proximity and the want to reproduce.
In this current era we have been brought up with Disney movies which tell us that our one true love or perfect match is that person who will knock us off our feet. We will feel that electrical shock and tingles which will let us know that person is the one for us. Once we have met this person we ride on the waves of passion/emotion, settle down, get married and live happily ever after. Until 2-5 years later when you end up divorced or separated because that rollercoaster of emotion has died down to a lull and you had never thought of what to do when that occurred. (Mainly because you did not think it would for you, your love connection being as strong as it was.
Another part of our current mate selection is that of the physical appearance. We are constantly confronted with media images of individuals with unnatural beauty. Sex appeal. Sex sells, not only products, but our hearts as well. If you do not find a person to be completely perfect physically (or as close to perfect as you perceive you can get in comparison to your own looks) you turn away from them. Like with the ‘love’ scenario above we end up picking that person who we feel is the most physically attractive, and will over look personality flaws and other negative characteristics because we believe that the physical attraction is the most important part. Despite the issues you may have in that relationship, as long as our carnal lust can be sated with that individual it must be right.
Because this note is getting long winded and making less sense the farther I go into it I will try to sum it up.
1. Physical appearance, while it is important to an extent, the search for perfection in the body of another not only leads us from connecting with people on a deeper spiritual level it also results in us loosing touch with our own souls and God. We become so trapped in the material parts of this world that we fail to see an individual for who they are in God and themselves. (This next part may sound harsh so forgive me.) If we were to only focus on physical perfection those with deformities, paralysis, and other physical issues would be denied the love and connection with another individual. An exceptional individual with the best personality would be over looked in friendship as well as relationship capabilities because they do not physically look like that of what a person has decided is the perfection they need to be happy. So many people end up in bad relationships because they have turned down and stayed away from dating the person they had the best emotional and spiritual connection with because they were worried about what others would think of them dating someone who did not look, physically, like what they had been taught to go for. (This is not my story; I am referring to what I saw my roommate do over the last two years. She was happiest with her friend, loved him, but would not date him because she felt his physical issue was not one which she could deal with in the social sense. She then went through one bad relationship after the next, always going back to him for comfort. The worst part was watching him be there for her and continually be hurt by her.)
2. This is slightly off what I have been talking about so far but it is also on my mind. Why is it that people go to those with failed relationships, bad relationships, or those who have had none at all for relationship advice? And why does that individual who lacks the relationship experience feel that they are a good source to give that advice? If you want to know if how you are feeling is right or wrong, go find that old couple who has been married for 20+ years and they still gaze into each others eyes. Or find that couple who had a rocky relationship beginning but managed to make it through all the years and are truly still in love after.
3. Love, in the end is not some emotional rollercoaster, or physically based high. In the end the passion dies, our bodies go. What matters is that ability to relate to an individual on a deeper level. Connecting with that person, not just as if they were your best friend, or family member, but feeling as if they were a part of you. The emotional connection, not in the high low sense, but in the sense of peace, security and serenity with that individual is what matters. When the thought of loosing that person is like loosing a part of your soul, that is the type of relationship and connection you need to be with someone. When I say loosing a part of your soul with the loss of them I do not mean that their death or absence makes you feel that you can not go on with your life. If that is the way you feel you have emotional dependency/ codependent issues you need to work on. What I mean by loosing a part of yourself is that if that person goes you feel a void within, as if you lost a conviction, belief, voice or comfort that you will never fully fill. Loosing a significant other should affect you, but not negatively, you should still be able to stand on your own two feet and carry on without them.
K, so this is getting long winded and I have to go meet a tutor in 5min so I will stop. I guess what this note comes down to is that it is more than physical connection, and emotional passion that makes a relationship. Those two things will always be temporary. We need to get back to focusing on the spiritual connection with an individual. Our others, truly, should be our other half. Compliments, comforts, motivators.
Also, we need to learn to make up our minds for ourselves. No one will ever know you for who you are completely. All of us will die alone. Everyone’s life is different, so our experiences and advice will be different. If you solely rely on others opinions for your answers you will never find your happiness because you will not be acting in the manner that is right for you. Learn to make decisions for yourself.
With that also comes one more complaint, if you are in a relationship you should never feel you have the right to tell your partner how to live, or feel that you must change for them. If you want to change something about yourself then do it. Your partner should support you and be by your side during the change, but the change and growth should be purely your own. A relationship is relating to someone else on a deeper lever while the vessel you are on takes you on your life journey. It does not mean changing who you are or your life goals to fit that of your partner.
k. I’m done.