For those of you following this blog for the diary entries from my time in foster care, there are more coming. It takes a while to type them up. Below is a post I wrote on Facebook back in 2008.
I try to be the person you intend me to be.
Perhaps my folly is in the attempt.
I see the patterns in the scheme
What is it that I am missing?
A friend once quoted
“The most spiritual human beings, assuming they are the most courageous, also experience by far the most painful tragedies: but it is precisely for this reason that they honor life, because it brings against them its most formidable weapons.” -Friedrich Nietzsche
While I have held this as a comfort it no longer satisfies.
Who I am is no longer good enough for me
What I do does not satisfy those around me.
As I fight habits which have stayed through the years
ones that those I now want to please abhor
I wonder if I do it for me, or for them.
If it is them I try for, what of it.
If the pattern continues as it has they will soon fade into memory
what am I to do when the demon of addiction appears in their absence?
I know you are God. I do all I can to be who you want me to be
Sailing the sea without a compass is a fools path indeed.
This fact I did disregard and now am at your mercy.
I trust in you, yet I feel detached from your glory by the aimlessness of it.
I want to please you alone. Yet I meddle in the affairs of the feckless.
There must be more to this than I perceive.
Alone I look for that mortal comfort
An ally in this world to give me the comfort and protection my life has found in dearth.
Am I worth it……to them?
We are all your children
None more deserving than the next
Yet I watch as they enact, they portray that which I long for
Why is it that despite my travail I gain neither their avowal or yours?
I am lost, guided by no instrument, as by your instruction.
What way do I go?
Show me, please.
Life has taken the common from my possession.
Eccentric by encompassing coercion I stand, alone.
All that I have wanted is to suit. To be one in a coterie.
I show strength to those who surround me
yet impussiant is what I am.
I do not want to do this on my own anymore. A friend of more than feeble acquaintance is all I ask.
I give it up to you.
Please, do not let this infinitude of questionable paths continue.
Allow me one glimpse at the direction I am to take.
Every captain has a point in which he relinquishes to the storm
Is this my end, or the beginning?
Where is my angel?
Where is my guide?
Where is my answer?
In your time reveal