4th Foster Home Part 1

I was moved to Green Bay, WI without a home assessment ever being done. Green Bay’s CPS department was never told about my arriving here. There were no home visits, no social worker check-ins.

Dolores did not believe in psychology or psychiatry so she cut me off my anxiety medications (cold turkey) and did not sign me up for a therapist here.
Dolores believed that it was only a matter of time before my sister would come to live with us. She saved a bedroom for her and often spoke to others about how nice it would be to have two daughters without having to go through childbirth.

May 6, 2000 Age 15. Dear Diary,  Yesterday was a day full of surprises.  Amanda (one of my new friends) wore this really ugly surfing suite to school yesterday.  Preps were teasing her because she looked like she did not have a bra on.
                In science class kids were teasing Amanda and one if the boy’s asked her is she liked a boy named Ricky.  Amanda turned to him and said “I don’t like that short black gang banger.”   Well the prep girl named Samantha who sat behind us started yelling at Amanda because supposedly this Ricky boy is her friend.
                Well we had a sub in class so she did not do anything to stop the kids from fighting.
                When class was over I walked out into the hallway and Samantha was on one end of the door and Amanda was on the other and they both wanted me to walk with them.  I did not want to get into an argument, since I am still the new kid, so I see ya to both of them and walked down the hall.  But because I walked down the same hallway that Samantha was in she thought I was going with her which made Amanda cry.
                When I got to the lunch room I got in line with Samantha when showed up (my new best friend but I still love Leslie more).  Chantelle and Samantha started fighting so I just went and got my lunch and sat down.
                Half way through lunch Amanda told the principal that I was supposed to tell him, in front of Samantha and Amanda, what happened.  As far as I was concerned it was both of their faults but I did not want to say that.  Luckily the principal knew I was new and didn’t get me involved.  Now I have to wait until Monday to find out if they both hate or like me.
                Last night I was an Usher at the Weidner.  The Weidner is a giant professional theatre.  Because I worked at the Weidner I got to see the play Titanic for free.  It wasn’t anything like the movie but I loved the music.
                Since I haven’t written in a while I will play catch up.
                I spent the night at Courtney’s house.  She is nice and I like her, but she sleeps around. She also likes to get drunk.
                One day when Dolores and I were cleaning the yard she told me that when my mom and dad first got married and they knew Dolores wanted a baby they told Dolores that my dad could give her a baby. Can you believe it?  How perverted.  Dolores didn’t let him though.  She said there was no way she could sleep with a friends husband.  Thank God!
                It’s midnight so I am going to bed. See ya later.

May 8, 2000 Age 15. Dear Diary.  It is 10:55 right now and I finished lunch and am now in Math class.  Right now Leslie should be in gym.  I miss her.
                To continue telling you about the events I did not write down during the Easter Vacation week, Dolores got me a 5 year old female cat.  Her name was Comet but I renamed her Leslie.
                This morning when I was on the bus on my way to school I started to get really bad cramps.  I don’t mean squeezing cramps but knife stabbing cramps.  I am writing it down in here for a record in case they get worse.   Usually I don’t tell you if I’m sick but the pain from this was so bad it scared me.  I thought I would die.  I did my ignore it trick but that only made me sweat worse.
                In gym today I told Mr. E that I was sick and he told me “Enough is enough.”  What the does that mean?
                Yesterday Dolores and I went to her friend Karen’s house and we picked out a baby kitten.  I am going to name it Tammy.  We will get it in 3 weeks when it is old enough to leave its mom.
                Next door there is a really cure 17 year old boy.  I don’t love or like him but I am thinking about going out with him so that I can feel protected.
                Pretty dumb considering what Brent did to me, and my foster brother, and my brother Dan, and my Dad. 
                That’s right.  I forgot to tell you what happened to me.  Do you remember hearing that sometimes people block memories?  Well the other day I remembered the time in St. Cloud when my brother Dan made me raise my shirt to show him my boobs.  I remember telling mom and her telling me that Dan would not do that and that if he did I asked for it.   She said I deserved anything he did to me because I saw him naked. I don’t remember seeing him naked.  My brother Adam told kids in Bagley that I am in foster care because I raped him.  What a fucking liar. 
                I miss Bagley.  I want my old friends back.   It is 12:50.  I am in English and in Bagley Leslie is in band.  I wonder if she thinks about me.  I wonder if she is thinking about me now.  I wonder if Corey and the other kids in Band are thinking about me.  I have to go now.  You are my only close friend right now diary.  I miss Leslie.  I need a new Leslie.

May 24, 2000 Age 15 I just had a funny memory so I am going to write it down. 
                In 5th grade, when I took D.A.R.E class the police officer asked the class different names for Marijuana. We all said things like seed, pot, weed grass and the Rat said “Dirt”.  When the officer asked him why he said dirt he said that everyone else was saying things that were on the ground so he said dirt.
                I am in science class right now so I guess it is time for me to catch you up on what is going on.  The school here is way ahead of where we were in Bagley and I have no idea what is going on and no one helps me so I will write to you instead.
                Last week, Emma and Nikki came over to my house to practice for our band that we are making.  Alison is in our band but she had a track meet. 
                I have to go now.  I wish I had time to write to you. I miss Bagley, I miss all of my friends.  They get out of school on Friday.  Summer vacation for them.  I know if I send a letter to the school today to get to Corey or Shane it won’t get there till next week and will either be sent back or trashed.
                I have to go to lunch now.  Love ya.

May 29, 2000 Age 15. I am crying right now.  I am supposed to be doing my homework but I can’t.  I miss Leslie.  I wish she was here right now to talk to.  I have school tomorrow and she is on summer vacation.   I need her so badly but I am to sad and emotional to think straight.  I miss Leslie so much.  I wish she were here right now to talk to and help me feel better.  I don’t know how I can make it without her.  Without them.  
I have to go now. Bye.

June 13, 2000 Age 15. Well school has been out for 6 days.  So much has happened.  On Wednesday after school Emma, Nicki, and I got together to have a band meet.  I was supposed to meet Emma at her house at 4:00PM but instead I met her cute (of course) brother Chad who is in my grade, in the front yard playing baseball with his friends.  When I asked him if Emma was home he said “no now get lost”.  So I did and on the way home Emma passed me in her car so I walked back to her house.  Her mom asked me if Chad said anything to me and I said he asked me what the hell I was doing in his yard and then he told me to get the hell out.   Revenge is sweet.  He got in trouble but I know God will punish me now instead of Chad.
                Emma and I went and got Nicki and then we went to Doty Elementary and sat on the swings and talked.  We didn’t really feel like practicing  Then, for some reason, we came to an argument about what the work fuck means.    I thought and think that it has something to do with sex but Emma heard it meant suck it.  So we went to my house to look up fuck in her dictionary but it wasn’t there.
                On Thursday we took my new oatmeal colored kitten (boy named Tammy) into the vet.  Dolores and the people who gave us the cat said it was a girl, but I thought it looked more like a boy.  Then we took Tammy to the vet and they told us that she was a he.  I wanted to change his name to Sammy after my old friend.  Dolores told me she hates that name and that she wants to name it something cute like Kiki. She said I cannot be stupid and name a pet a human name.  I said I want to keep the name Tammy then.

   After we took Tammy to the vet we went shopping in Appleton.  On Saturday before school got out I went to Emma’s pool-birthday party and I got a major sunburn.  I blistered all over.  The skin covering my shoulders and shoulder blades.  The blisters would pop and leak yellow stuff on my shirts.  I had to miss school on Monday because of them.  I am still shedding from it.
                On Friday I slept in till 1:30 PM!  I can’t remember what we did that day but that evening we invited grandma and grandpa over for dinner.  On Saturday we cleaned and then rented the following movies: Sleepy Hallow, Runaway Bride Superstar and one about Hitler.
                We watched the first 3 on Saturday.  We were up till 12:45AM in the basement.  Dolores and I both slept in until one on Sunday. We went shopping that day, bought grandpas fathers day gift and watched the Hitler movie that night.  It sucked.

June 14, 2000 Age 15. Boy do I have a lot to tell you. I won’t tell you. Let’s see where I left off.  Okay, on Monday we got up at 9:00AM and started to pack the camper.  After, be right back.  Ok.  I’m back.   Anyways, after a while of packing wood, clothes, and other junk we were on the road by one thirty.  We listened to a book tape called the Rose on the way here. 
                Well if you’re asking where here is it is the Straights Campground in the Michigan State Park.  We got here at about 7:00 PM our time.  They are an hour ahead here.  Anyway, we set up camp and made a fire.  When I went to use the bathroom before bed I got lost on the way back.  Oh well.  I found my way back.  Yesterday, Tuesday, we crossed the Mackinaw bridge. The bridge is 5 miles long in the middle.  All together it is 7 moles making it longer than the Golden Gate bridge.

June 18, 2000 Age 15.  The Mackinaw bridge is the 2nd longest bridge in the world.  Japan has the biggest.
                When we got across the bridge we went to a fort under the bridge.  The fort was made in 1700, well actually 1600.  It was taken over many times.  Before our war with England the British started to build a fort of Stone on Mackinaw island because they were afraid that if a war started they would not have a chance against cannons because their only protection was a log built wall.   When they finally moved onto Mackinaw Island they burned the fort down.   Today the buildings that are built are that the archeologists believe it looked like from the digging up they did.

                When we were done at that fort we went to an Old Mill fort. We got to see how the water powered the mill.  It was so cool.  After that we went to the shopping corner.  When we were there we went to the house of mirrors.  It was so fun.  Connie and I each lost each other for a while.
                On Wednesday we went to Mackinaw Island.  It was so cool.  There are no bridges to get to the island so we had to take a jet powered boat.  We took the first ferry at 7:30 AM.  It was so foggy we could not see farther than 2 feet in front of us so the ferry wasn’t able to use the jet power.
                We arrived on the island at 8:00AM.  Nothing was open yet.  There are no cars allowed on Mackinaw Island so the only transportation is by horse, bike, or your own feet.  People even live on the island.  When I arrived there it was. Like stepping into a dream.  The building designs and the horses and everything made the whole place look like you were stepping into the past.  I loved it.  I want to live there when I grow up.  The island is 8 moles around and 3 miles across.  At 9:00AM we got a on a horse drawn carriage and went on a tour of all the hot spots of the island.  On the second part of the tour we stopped at the Coor Arch rock formation. It was so pretty.  When you looked through it you saw the great lake and its waves.  It was so beautiful and the rock formation was huge.
                When the tour was over we went to the Grand Hotel.  Can you believe it.  Me, little old Liz Waibel with her unimportant self went to the Grand Hotel.  Dolores and I each had to pay $10 just to get a self-guided tour.  But that was OK because we then got $10 off our lunch.  Yep.  That’s right.  I ate in the Grand Hotel.  The Grand Hotel is the longest hotel in the world.  The deck is 2 foot ball fields long with 85 white rocking chairs on it.  It costs $300 just to stay there.  Did you know that Christopher Reeves filmed the movie Time After Time there?  Most of the major presidents have stayed there.

                When you sit on the deck it is so beautiful.  In front of you you can see a huge yard below you with a pool and the bay on the far right side and a water fountain, no a, how do you describe it, oh I know, you know in the, no, that wont work.  It was one of those big pondish things with the statue in the middle of the pond that shoots water out of it. 

                The dining room was huge. It cost $30 per person to eat there.  All of the waiters were all dark black Jamakian men.  When I went to sit down one of them was right there ready to push my seat in under me for me.  When I stood up he pulled my chair out for me.  I never had that happen to me before. It made me feel weird.  I would not like having to pull peoples chairs out for them.  Why is it that the black people pull the chairs out and the white people work behind the desks?
                The middle of the dining room was filed with table after table of food.  There was a sea food table and a hot food table.  Oh! All of the words I try to think of to describe it are not good enough.  Please excuse my bad handwriting. I am writing this on the way to camp.
                Anyway, when I was on my way back to the table a group of tourists blocked my way and out waiter came and then made them move out of my way so that I could get through and he took my plate and carried it for me.  Then when we got to the table he held my chair out for me.  I had never felt so pampered in all my life.  I felt like I should apologize for being a nuisance.  While I was eating A Jamakian man came to offer us coffee and when he looked at me a different sort of smile crossed his face.  Then as he went to the next few tables he kept looking back at me and smiled at me every time.  I started to blush.  When I went up to get food the second time I almost bumped into a lady and one of the waiters said in a deeply accented voice “careful girl”. 
                The 3rd time I went up for food a group of about 3 or 4 waiters stopped to look at me and said “oh yeah” and “that’s what I’m talking about.”  I thought they were talking about something I did not see until one of the men from the group came up to me and said to me in an accented voice “I wish I could eat with you but I have to work.”  I, not understanding him at fist, told him that that was too bad and started to fill my plate but realized he had not left. That’s when I realized he was hitting on me.  I couldn’t believe it.  He looked to me to be anywhere from 20 to 30 years old and he was hitting on me.  I told Dolores and she agreed with me that he was hitting on me. 
                After the Grand Hotel we went to Fort Mackinac.  That’s the stone fort I mentioned earlier.
                When we left the fort we went and rented a horse and buggy and drove ourselves around the island.  Our horses name was Nellie.  I wasn’t supposed to drive but Dolores let me drive the whole time.  Our horse refused to stop until Dolores jumped down once and held her while I looked inside the skull cave.  When we got back in got in the back.  When we were a block away from the place where we had to return the horse and buggy the horse wouldn’t stop to let Dolores in so she had to climb along the outside of the carriage while it was moving, to get into the front seat.  I told her she looked like Indiana Jones.
                I loved the carriage ride. It was so beautiful.  I felt like Anne of Green Gables. 
                Finally we headed home.  I rode on top of the boat on the way home.
                On Thursday we went to Souix City and went in the tower.  Then we toured this huge museum that was inside of an old war boat.  It’s the largest boat museum in the world.  Then we went on a fairy that toured the Soo Locks.  We went through the American Lock, then toured a small area by the Canadian coal plant, and then we went through the Canadian lock on the way back.  On this fairy you could stand up and walk around.   I stood on the top in the front.  When I first stood in the front I had to catch my breath.  It was the weirdest feeling.  You know in the movie Titanic where Rose is in the front of the ship and she is being held on the first bar of the railing by Jack and she says “I’m Flying Jack, I’m flying”?  That’s exactly how it felt.  It felt like I was soaring over the water like a bird.  I loved it.
                After that Dolores and I crossed the boarders and went to Canada and shopped in their mall.  Canada is just like here.  They even have a Sears and a JC Penny.  I bought a Canadian flag in their Buck or Two store which is like the American $1 store.   
                On Friday we packed up and came back to Green Bay.  Saturday Dolores and I went on a tour of Chambers Island and it’s light house in Door County.  On the boat on the way back a seagull started to chase after the boat.  Someone threw it a piece of bread and suddenly we had 5 seagulls.  People threw them bread and suddenly we were followed by a whole fleet of seagulls.
                Now here I sit today, Sunday, on the way to my M.A.D.D Bible Camp.  The M.A.D.D stands for Music, Art, Drama, and Dancing.  We are driving there in grandma and grandpas van.  Dolores’s sister is driving.  Grandma sits next to her and Dolores and me are in the back.
                I bet I wrote about this before but I will again.  Do you remember Sammy. He lived across the ally from you in Bagley and you used to play with him all the time?  Well I can’t stop thinking about him and worrying about him lately.  I wonder where he is and how he is doing.  I found out from Sam that he had ulcers before he left Bagley.  I wonder if he is even alive.  I miss him so much. I sing myself to sleep at night thinking about him.  I hurt inside every time I think of him and what a good friend I lost. I wonder if he thinks of me. I wonder if he even remembers me.  I wish I knew where in the world he is. I hurt so much inside when I think of him.
                Lord, why did you have to take him away from me?  I need him. I need to hear his voice.  See him laugh.  I want to see the way his eyes get big and his face muscles tighten when he gets mad.  I want to watch him run, do the splits, do flips, put on plays with the puppets he made.  I want to talk to talk to him outside his window at night like we used to.  I want to sit in the tree in the park with him, until it gets dark, talking about the world, our lives, our friends, kids at school, aliens, our families, things we wish we could change about our life and things we did. 
                GOD I MISS HIM!!!!  It’s been two years since I last saw or talked to him. I don’t know where he is, or what he is doing.  I wish he was here right now to comfort me.  I wonder if he was and angel who was here to help me through a troubled time and now left so that I can get on with my life.
                I remember when we found the path through the bushes between two houses that led out into the woods.  I remember in the 6th grade winter when Sammy and I went and walked down the iced over stream and went far back into the woods on top of the icy pond.   We went there the next time with Leslie.  I remember walking on the railroad together, both of us opening our hearts to each other.
                Oh why did he have to like Tammy.  Why couldn’t he have loved me.  I loved him so much.
                I am going to go now.  Thinking about Sammy rips me to shreds.  He was the only person who really understood me. His dad beat him too.  He got me.  Leslie tried to understand me but she never experienced abuse like Sammy and me.  What I wouldn’t give to hear his voice again.  To hear him with that voice that sounds like it has an English accent tell me that my parents were the crazy ones and not me.
                I miss him. See you soon.  

July 1, 2000 Age 15.  Dear Diary,  So much for keeping up on writing at camp.  I left you in the van when I took all of my stuff into the cabin.  I have so much to tell you.  Some of it will seem boring at first but some of it is IMPORTANT.
                After the last time I wrote to you I was dropped off at MOON Beach camp after shopping with Dolores, her sister and Grandma. When I was dropped off at my Cabin after registration there was already a girl there named Erika.  Erika is about 4 ½ feet tall with shoulder length blond hair and I think blue eyes.  At first, when I met her, I thought she was a stuck up snob but after listening to her and Giny (my counselor) talk I decided she wasn’t that bad of a person.
                Next came Michelle.  She is my height with shoulder length brown hair with highlights.  Her face looked a lot like Leah’s from 5th grade.  Anyways, at first I thought she would be stuck up too, but she wasn’t.
                Then came Brenda.   Little did we know at the time that she would be our headache all week.  Brenda had long dark brown hair that she always wore in a bun at the top of her head.  She looks almost exactly like Jennifer Love Hewit except Brenda’s nose is pointier.  Brenda also talks through her nose which made her sound Jewish.  Then, right before supper our last classmate came.  Her name was Jamie.  She didn’t talk much but that didn’t matter because she would spend ¾ of the week with kids from her home town.
                Now, before I forget I will tell you about our cabin.  Ours was the smallest and most rustic of the whole camp.  Our bathroom was all spread out and our heater didn’t work.  Our counselor had to sleep on the front porch. The name of our cabin was squirrel. 
                After dinner that night kids got to know each other and then we had vespers. Oh ya, first we went through the camp rules and then we had to get into groups.  The groups were made by the sticker on your name tag that you got when you first came. I was originally yellow but then I switched with Brenda because she wanted to be closet to John, a boy from the Music cabin.  There were only 6 boys.  Then our head counselor Jeff tied a string through the hole in a spoon and made us sew it through the whole group by dropping it down our shirt and pants.  It was gross.  It was hard for us girls because we were all wearing flares which were skin tight on top and we had to shove a huge cooking spoon down our pants.
                The next day on Tuesday we got up at 7:30AM, had breakfast and then went to our morning M.A.D.D classes.   Had Bible study first.  In Bible study we were talking about the meaning of names.  Mine means “consecrated to God”.  For our assignment we all were to look up a name for ourselves that we believe represents ourselves.  I picked a name I had read in a Barbra Cartland novel.  I picked the name Perdita. It means lost.   I believe that name fits me because I am basically walking through this world alone.  I don’t belong to my birth family and I don’t feel like I belong in this one.  I feel alone no matter how hard I pray to God to help me and be with me I feel like he left me.  I feel alone and lost like I have nowhere to go.
                After Bible study we went to art class where we made masks.  After that we went chimes class.  We played a bunch of songs but decided on the Bells of Notre Dame for our Friday performance.  I played the A6, Bb, B6.
                Then we had lunch and went to 1 hour nap time.  After that we went to MADD camp choir.  I tried out and got to share the solo part with Dylin and Katie.  Dylin is so cute.  He as at least 5 inches taller than me.  He looks like he is 16 or 17 but he is only 14.
                After that we had to split up into one of the 4 activities we signed up for.  I signed up for Luna Thespia which was an acting class / Art class where they had to make T-shirts of them as Superheroes.  Then we had Yaboo which was African American drumming, and the last activity was creative movement.  In Luna Thespia we took turns trying out for different parts.  My first tryout part in the play. I tried out for Judith, the first person I tired out for, I was not even able to try out for a different person because he said I was perfect.
                After Luna Thespia we had free time and Canteen.  I bought a dark blue velvet teddy bear with a red vest.  I met Gina during free time. She is a 16 year old overweight girl who is 3 inches shorter than me with long black hair she always wears in a pony tail.  She had a pointy nose and freckles. 
                Oh ya, I almost forgot, after I bought my teddy bear I took the swimming test and I passed it.  I had to swim to the dock and back and then I had to tread water for 2 min.  I cheated though.  I could touch the bottom.  I am attaching the bracelet I got for passing to the back of this page.
                That night after supper we played kick the ball.  I kicked for Jeff.  Jeff is a handicapped boy with no legs and skinny arms with no fingers, and only one thumb at the end of each arm.  He cant speak but he hums. 
                After the kick ball game we went back to camp and had s’mores around the fire.  That’s when I met him.  I know you are probably thinking “oh here she goes again with one of her crushes” but it’s different than that.  John was one of our staff at camp.  I was sitting on a bench with Gina when I suddenly heard some man say “Everyone get in a circle so I can teach you the Booga Looga Dance”.  That’s when I saw him.  For a second I would have sworn I saw my older brother Dan but when I looked closer I realized it couldn’t be.  John stands about 3 or 4 inches taller than me.  He has short curly black hair and a black beard.   I know that I said I hate guys with beards but for some reason John’s didn’t bug me.  John did various impressions throughout the song and by the end of it I was wanting to know more about him.
                I have to go to bed now.  It is 11:40OM.  Life goes on.  I will finish off by saying after the camp fire we had vesers and went to bed.  But don’t forget about John now.  My entries about him are just beginning.  In closing I would like to say “Dear God, I feel like when I talk to you tonight you do not hear me.  I want to tell you of my life and things that are troubling me with Dolores today but I don’t think you hear me but when I write I feel like the whole world is listening and wants to heal my problems.
                Dear God, I miss Leslie, Tammy, and everyone else in Bagley.  I know my mother and sister left Bagley today and I therefore will not be going back there if I leave here.
                 I worry about Tempest and how she is handling life. I worry about Kthy. Even thought she doesn’t want me as a friend and doesn’t care about me I miss and care about her.  Oh God, I have so many hurts and feelings but I don’t have time to write them down, but God, if it is true that you know all of my worries, sadness’s and fears please help me to get over them.  Please protect Tempest and Kathy.  And even though it is hard for me to say this, please help Leslie to get over me and move on in her lie and find a new best friend.
Love, Liz Waibel.

July 4, 2000 Age 15. Before I tell you more about camp I want to tell you what happened to me yesterday.   I was watching the movie First Kinght and for some reason after I saw it I realized something.  I am not Liz Waibel. I am not “storyteller girl”.  I am not “the girl with the great singing voice”.  I am not what people categorize me as.  I am me.  I am a sole person trying to make it through this hurtful world.  I am the same as anyone else.  I am a creation of God.  I am not the talents I possess.  I am the person  I go to bed with each night.  I am the person I am now.  I am my thoughts. I am my feelings.  I am not my body, I am not my face, I am what lives inside my body.  I am a confused person who lives day in and out, strives to make something of myself and not get swept under the tidal wave of life.
                I feel like the Lord has abandoned me, but I know that one day soon I will feel his love again and my life will be alright.

July 4, 2000 Age 15. Bitch, whore, fucker and all of those nice words describe what I have been feeling about Dolores for the past few days.  She never believes me.  For example Dolores didn’t feel like driving down to see the fireworks but she said we could see them from here because the TV said you could see them for miles.  Well I was just out there and I could hear the booming and see flashes of light but not the fire works.  I told Dolores this and she said OK. Then two min later she came back outside and said “I guess your right, the TV said they had started.”  I told her I had just told her that and asked why she didn’t believe me.  She said “Well the TV just said you could see them for miles. How am I supposed to believe you over the News?”  She never believes me.  She never trusts my judgment. Bitch.
                Nice way to spend Independence day huh?  I’m going to go dance with Richard Simons.

July 31, 2000 Age 15. My life is a pile of shit.  So much has happened, so much has gone wrong, and I have so many memories of when I was a child coming back.  I wish I was dead.
                We’ll I’m going to forget telling you about my time at MADD Camp.  I will just say this.  I did storytelling on Tuesday for the talent show.  Learned how to play hand chimes and performed with my group on Friday.  Has a solo part in the song Rock-a-my-soul, in the MADD Camp choir performance.  I had a crush on Dylan but I am over it. I hate men.  The only men I like are the ones I dream about, or imagine at night.  Men in the real world are mean hurtful people.  The only male I have ever met who never hurt me was Sammy.
                I am keeping in contact with Bjorn, a boy from camp who is a year older than me, and I have two other male pen pals but that is it. 
                Anyway I also had the main character lead in the play we did at camp.  You all ready know about some of my life after camp.   Two weeks ago I went to my second camp.  It was the Y.M.C.A. one.  We hiked the Porcupine Mountains for 5 days.
                At first it was fun but then I started tripping.  I sprained my ankle but had to keep hiking on it. 
                ON the 2nd day I had huge blisters on my feet that popped and left deep cracks down into the meat of my foot.  During the day, as we hiked to our next campsite, my blisters would bleed and at night when I took my socks off the blood had dried my sock to my wound.  I started to get nasty bug bites so my left eye swoll shut.  I also got poison Ivy and I was having my period.   The other girls in the camp complained more than me so I ended up carrying two tents and so did the counselor.   I might have been hurt but I carried twice as much gear as I should have had to.  I got along with the boys better than the girls. They said I was not girly which was good.
                I loved bathing in the lake.  We were followed by black bears through our whole hike and we had to put our food up on a pole.  On the 3rd night a black bear came to our camp and stood right outside our tent!
                We went to Winnona the day after I got home from camp. Dan, my psycho brother, dressed up in a wizards dress with a cane and crystal ball to freak me out.  What a dumb ass.
                 Oh ya, back to my last camp.   On the two last days of the trip I struggled to keep up and I wanted to give up but on the last day when we got to the top of the mountain I felt so great.  I couldn’t believe I had actually completed it.  I hadn’t given up!
                I have some experiences and things that I learned at camp that I would like to share with you, but first I want to talk about now.  Sam is here.  We went to the Dells and the Pictured Pocks in Michigan.   Having Sam here is supposed to be the best thing, yet it’s not.  Sam continually tries to show me up.  Dolores likes Sam more than me. 
                Last night Sam wouldn’t do her share of the clean-up.  I asked her to finish and she said “Why don’t you, you’re closer.  You’re such a spoiled brat Liz. A few extra clothes won’t hurt you.”  That set me off.  The whole week I had been making up for Sam’s mistakes, helping her so that Dolores would not get mad and all she did was go and show off around Dolores.  Now Dolores want’s Sam in the front seat by her.  I started to have memories of when Sam and I were kids.  I remember mom saying “Why can’t you be like your younger sister.  She is quiet. Does what she is told without asking questions. She gets better grades than you now and when you were in her grade. And she is more athletic, you cant even do sit-ups. 
                I started to confront Sam on this and she called me a spoiled brat.  This is how the conversation went from there.
                Me. “Spoiled? Spoiled!! You go and be beat up by your parents when you were a child.  You go and stick up for your younger brother and sister and take the blows for them.  You go from foster home to foster home and each time you finally get adjusted get ripped away from them.  You lose your best friends and everyone you know to come and live with a lady you don’t even know.”
                Sam “Well are you done? I had brother’s and a sister who caused me pain equal to what you went through.”
                Me. “”Did you even hear a word I said?  I had the whole family hating me, including you.  I covered up what you did to me you Bitch! I hate you.”
                It went on like this till I finally went and slept on the hotel couch in our living room area.  I hate this.  I hope she leaves soon.
                I miss Leslie.  I am afraid of starting a new school year without her.  I haven’t had to start a new school on the first day of a school year without Leslie since the 3rd grade.  I hate it. I miss Leslie.  I’m afraid of starting high school.
                I feel as if I am being ripped to pieces.  I know if I was back in Bagley I would feel like I had more control over my life here.  I’m lost and alone. God has left me.  I pray to him but feel like I’m wasting my life talking to dust.  I’m going to bed now.

August 13, 2000 Age 15. Fuck life, fuck life, fuck life, FUCK LIFE!!!  I hate this. Who am I? Why am I here on this life and WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE TO LIVE ON THIS STUPID UNGLY HATEFUL GOD HATING CHILDREN KILLING PLANET?
                I hate it. For some reason when I use large print I feel better.
                I hate my life. Why did God put me here? I miss Leslie.  I miss Bagley, I miss being teased by those Bitches who are so full of themselves. At least I knew my place.  I knew who I was in life. 
                SHUT UP!  I was listening to 93.0 Christian Radio to make myself feel better but then they decided to go and have a special of Mexican Christian music.  Usually I find it interesting but right now it PISSES ME OFF.  Good.  Now I’m listening to 91.0 Christian Radio.  Where are you God?  I need you.  Why am I here?  According to my horoscopes and sign (Ares) I am a natural born leader.  I am strong willed and can hold my own.  People tell me I am exactly like my sign says but I’m not.  I feel lost and alone.  I lost my family, or more like ruined my family.  Maybe God wanted me to be beat.  Maybe he wanted me to be their punching bag.  The outcast of the family.  Maybe the reason I am having such a hard time in foster homes is because he wants me to suffer.  There are always people in the world who are everyone else’s punching bag.  Maybe that is my purpose in life.
                When I write it down is seems stupid but it feels so real.
                I am listening to Dawson MaCalester and am trying to listen so I can get the number to ask him questions about the stuff I just wrote down. 
                I need Leslie.  Yet I wonder if Leslie could
                FUCK IT. Now I don’t even have a radio. Dolores says that everything has its place and that if I want to listen to the radio I have to go to the sewing room because everything stays in its place and we go to it.  FUCK HER.  Did I tell you she grounded me because when dusting I did not put her nick knacks back in the exact right place?
                I just got through to the station.  There is a chance I will get on but I probably won’t.  The most important thing is I have the hope line number. I am
                DAMN IT! My mom just called.  Now there is no way I will ever be able to use the phone.  I hate her.  She doesn’t even know the prayer request I was going to make was for her.  I can’t stand this world. 
                DAMN IT AGAIN!.  Sam just came in here. I poured out my heart to her about how Dolores loves her more, how I feel like Sam and I have no bond anymore, like she left me to go on rides alone at Bay Beach yesterday because she wanted to go with Dolores.  And today, and other days Sam and Dolores will be doing something like getting a snack or reading something and when I get there to be with them they go off together and leave me alone.                
                She left me.  Now I sit here alone again.
                And not to Bitch about Dolores.  Everything I do is wrong.  I’m to klutzy, too loud, too stupid.  I embarrass her, cant clean good enough, talk too much, talk to little, walk to fast, walk to slow, speak like white trash or act right.  I’m always doing something wrong.  I pull a chair out and I’m scratching her floor.  DAMN HER! She says I’m careless.  I’m walking on pins and needles trying to please her.  Can’t she see that I’m dying inside out?  Where is God in all of this?   Does he even care?  
                I’m going to sew now.  I might see you later, or I might give up on individuality. I will take one day at a time, like a robot with no thoughts or regrets. Just give up caring.  Or kill myself.  But that is the cowards way.

Published by lifefromtheashes5332

Hi, I’m Elizabeth. I am a wife, mother, gardener, adjunct professor, philosopher, former foster child, former homeless adult and Master in Social Work. My website covers all the things listed above!

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